I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
