My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
