All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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