i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
