shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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