my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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