Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
