I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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