I got chris browned last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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