We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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