I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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