im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
