I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
