I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
