So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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