I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
