He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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