Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
