The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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