I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
