my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
