I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
