If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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