I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
