This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
