you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
