In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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