I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
