Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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