I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
