I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
