i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
