His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
