i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
