yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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