My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
