I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
