Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
