i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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