hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
