i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
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I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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