What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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