Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
