I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
