your parents love me but you hate me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
