Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
