he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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