I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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