So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
