i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
