so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
