oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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