plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
