she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
