I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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