i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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