wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
