theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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