Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
